


4giveness

by 1000lux



Category: Oz (TV)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Ending, Angst, M/M, Macbeth - Freeform, Romance, Self-Doubt, what-should-have-happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-19
Updated: 2013-03-19
Packaged: 2017-12-05 19:58:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/727334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1000lux/pseuds/1000lux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story is about how things could have gone differently after the ending of '4giveness'. I've taken several dialogues from the show.<br/>The storyline is settled around the preparations for the performance of 'Macbeth'. I've also used several dialogues from 'Macbeth' in the story.</p>
<p>"This tyrant, whose sole name blisters our tongues,<br/>Was once thought honest: you have loved him well"<br/>(Macbeth)</p>
            </blockquote>





	4giveness

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fan fiction, I own neither rights to the characters nor to the series.
> 
> I used the awesome transcripts from http://www.angelfire.com/realm/trasker/oztranscripts.html with some changes here and there.
> 
> At the end of the story I have listed the parts from Macbeth, that I've used.

**********************************************************************

I need to know I can still make Explosions,  
on the day you wake up  
Needing somebody and you've learned  
It's okay to be afraid 

(Ellie Goulding - Explosions)

 

*****************************

*****************************

"Same old story. I got fucked in the ass."

*****************************

The shock hadn't yet sunken in. He hadn't processed yet that he was really back at OZ, that his  
chance at a new life had really ended this fast. And why? His fault again. His urge to kill Chris  
was battled by the over-proportional amount of self-loathing for having been so stupid.  
Whatever he touched turned to shit. Even this "love" had been soiled from the beginning.

He saw him approach and couldn't believe he dared go near him.

"Toby, there you are. I've been looking everywhere for you."

"Get the fuck away from me.", Toby hissed between his teeth.

"I heard what you've been telling people. Do you honestly believe  
I would fuck you over just to get you back?"

Ah, he was going for not guilty. Didn't he know that sweet and innocent had become old since  
little red riding hood?

"Don't play the wounded puppy. I know who you are."

"Toby, I love you. I need you."

"Oh, you're only making it worse."

"You've gotta believe me, I'm innocent."

He had to believe him? The only thing he really should have done, would have been minding  
his own goddamn business.

"Okay. Let's say I give you the benefit of the doubt. Let's say  
you didn't do it on purpose. The bottom line is, I believe you would, that  
you're capable of it. That's the kind of man I think you are, and I wish to  
God I'd left you on deathrow."

**********************

"How's it going there, Chris?"

Chris raised his head, ripped out of his thoughts, his look giving a fair warning to anyone who had unwittingly gotten on his radar. But of course, who else could it have been.

"Go away."

"Ah, I can understand you being a little testy. I heard about  
what went on in the gym. It's a heartbreaker."

Chris felt ready to kill Schillinger on the spot if he decided to go further down that road.

"I'll survive."  
“Survive” was the right word. Not live, just survive.

"I know you will. You always do. I remember when we first  
served time together back in Lardner. Christ, you were-what, 17? You came  
walking into that cell block, strutting, really. I said, "There is one  
tough little motherfucker."

~You know shit, you stupid motherfucker.~  
"Oh, what is this, Vern? Why the sprint down memory lane?"

"Been thinking about how close we were."

That was some way of putting it. 

"You protected me, I sucked your cock. That was it. I didn't love  
you."

It scalded his mouth to use the word 'love' in a context even remotely connected to Schillinger. 'love' was a word exclusively reserved for Toby.

"I didn't love you, either. But you gotta admit, what we had  
was more then nothing."

Chris short off laughed him in his face. Was he really that good?

"So what? Too much shit's happened between us since Lardner."

"Yeah, because of Beecher. Now that he's done, I'm saying let's  
be friends again. No cock sucking, just two guys looking out for each  
other. What do you say?"

Yeah, Toby. Life had been nice and in order before Toby had hit his life with the impact of a tank. But Schillinger was wrong, he wasn't done with Toby by far.

"Okay.

*********************************

Here he was again. In the place he never wanted to return to. Caught in the same old routine.  
Walking the old floors. To the cafeteria. To the gym. Watching TV. Doing laundry. The stale  
flavor of the routine tasted like bile on his tongue.  
Shit, another year.

*********************************

"This time I've got you, Keller. I hadn't thought you'd be that stupid, to seal your own  
death warrant. Fucking over the only person that's been on your side.", Taylor laughed mirthfully.

"What are you talking about?", Chris asked, his voice having lost it's usual carefree quality. His  
skin was pretty thin these days.

"Oh, do you really have to ask?", Taylor raised an eyebrow, "Your boyfriend, of course. I'm  
going to make him an offer, he can't refuse."

Chris only snorted, "There's no way Beecher's going to sell me out."

"Well, let me put your confidence, in your little tryst, to the test. Seems you fucked yourself  
over, this time. For what I've heard there's not much love between the two of you, right now."

"Right now.", Chris said acerbically.

"Actually, I have to thank you. After Beecher had gotten you of deathrow, I'd really thought this  
is it. That you were going to get away with it. But now things couldn't look better for me."

*********************************

"Don't give me that superior grin!", Toby snarled at Chris, when they walked past each other  
in the cafeteria.

"I don't know what you're talking about.", Chris said nonchalantly.

"Like hell, you don't! You never know about anything, right?!", Toby was practically yelling by  
now.

"For Christ's sake, keep your voice down, Beecher.", Chris sounded slightly annoyed by now.

That was it for Toby. He lunged at Chris and landed the first blow, which Chris wasn't shy of  
returning. They slammed into the line waiting for food. Soon they were coiling up on the floor,  
placing blows and very personal insults alike.  
It couldn't have been more than a minute before they were separated by the CO's. Nevertheless  
they'd both have some ugly bruises to show for.

Toby sat on the floor, rubbing his sore jaw, while staring at the moldy wall.  
They'd never been here at the same time before, he realised. Fucking Chris. He brought out  
the worst in him. Though that was probably unfair towards Chris. He'd already been pretty  
fucked up before he'd met Chris. He was the creature that had emerged out of the ash covering  
the scorched ground Schillinger left behind. But so was Chris.

It was the highest amount of body contact, he'd had with Toby since he'd returned to OZ and  
probably during the parole time too. Right now Toby was on the other side of the wall, all naked  
and fuming. Kinda hot.  
Shit, that guy was touchy. But Chris would take rage over indifference any day. He had observed  
with genuine glee that Marion hadn't visited Toby even once since he'd returned to OZ.  
Stupid bitch. She didn't know what she was missing out on.  
Toby was his. And would forever be his. Maybe Toby didn't knew it yet. But all the others knew. Though his claim was a lot  
different than that of a master on his prag, they respected it. No one would dare to approach  
Toby, if he tried to play Chris again, that way.

*********************************

Staring at each other with hate in their eyes...and longing. Toby had tried and gotten bitten once too often. He'd learned the lesson the hard way.

If you love someone you want him to be happy, right?  
Chris would probably argument that he wasn't happy without Toby.

Chris shot him an irritated look over the cafeteria, when he saw him laughing.

But one thing Toby couldn't believe, no matter what things Chris might be capable of, he wouldn't  
take sides with Schillinger. No matter what, he wouldn't. Not after all this.  
If he'd learned anything from the ordeals that had framed their relationship, than that Chris  
wouldn't stop loving him within one day...  
...just the same as he couldn't stop loving Chris within a day. It was mortifying for Toby, to have  
so little control over his feelings. He was truly Chris' little bitch.  
But it wasn't like there was a switch he could turn and the love would just turn to hate. Not that  
there hadn't been times when those borders had been blurred.

In his head the anger and outrage over this fundamental betrayal battled the disbelief and  
denial of the love that was still there.  
But he knew sooner or later the rage would win. He would make Chris pay for this. No matter  
what little scheme he had thought up, faking to pact with Schillinger, no matter what other  
corpses he would lay at his feed like a good little dog. This time Chris had gone too far.  
The pitcher goes often to the well, but is broken at last.

**********************

Chris gave him one of his fuck-you swagger looks, when he walked past him together with  
Schillinger.  
Toby shot him an I-know-exactly-what-you're-doing look.

Fuck, why did love have to be so difficult? Wait, no. This wasn't love anymore. This was just  
sick. A sickness his body hadn't gotten over yet, but he would, soon.

**********************

"Christopher.", Sister Pete looked at him, a deep crease of worry between her brows.

"Sister.", Chris smiled at her amicably.

She looked pained, when she spoke again, "What have you done?"

"I assume, now's not the time to ask you to help me get him back.", Chris said smiling, with an  
certain amount of self-irony.

"Chris, do you think this is a game?!", she sounded nearly angry by now, "Are you even aware  
of what you did to Tobias? This time you won't be able to make it up. All you can do for him  
from now on, is leave him alone."

"That's not going to happen, Sister."

"Why didn't you talk to me?", she asked both agonized and exasperated.

"What difference would it have made. He wasn't there."

When Toby came to work, he saw Chris sitting inside Sister Pete's office. For a moment he  
contemplated just walking away, but Sister Pete had already opened the door before he could  
do so. Chris decided to leave the room at the same time, Toby decided to enter, which  
brought a disconcerting amount of closeness with it. They moved past each other in that  
restricted space, their bodies, nearly but only nearly, touching. Just one careless move and  
this could end up in a fist fight or something entirely different. Toby's eyes wandered over Chris'  
body. His eyes came to rest on the tattoo on Chris' arm, remembering times when he'd licked  
over it.

**********************

"I've come to audition."

"Too late, Beecher.", Alvarez said.

"Yeah, I got the part.", Schillinger smiled his way.

"Oh, all right."

"Oh, no, wait," Fitzgerald interjected, "My Macduff got sent to solitary yesterday, so  
how'd you like to try out for that?"

**********************

"You really know how to make someone stop loving you, don't you?", Toby smiled at Chris with  
disdain.

"Shut up, Beecher. This whole whining is getting old."

**********************

He hadn't anticipated Toby's stubbornness. Like always he hadn't anticipated Toby. Was this his  
divine punishment. Watching Toby everyday, but never again being allowed to touch him.  
He had wanted to be closer to him and now he was farer away than ever.

What offering could he lay on the altar this time, hoping that it would be enough?  
At this point he would have carved his own heart out.

When God was designing the universe, why did he make something so wonderful so fucking  
painful?

***********************

"Hey."

Toby jumped. Chris had walked in on him, while he was rehearsing. They were the only two  
persons in the cafeteria. God knows what the hack on guard was doing right now, but he wasn't  
there.

"What are you practicing right now?", Chris asked.

"Macduff's talk with Porter", Toby answered reluctantly.

"I could play Porter.", Chris said, holding up a battered copy of Macbeth, "Practicing without a  
partner is boring.", he didn't wait for an answer but got on stage.

"Alright.", Toby gave in, considering that practicing alone really didn't work that well,"You start."

"Faith, sir, we were carousing till the second cock: and  
drink, sir, is a great provoker of three things.", Chris delivered his line with a certain amount of  
mockery in his voice. Or so it seemed to Toby.

"What three things does drink especially provoke?" Well, if he wouldn't be the person to know.

"Marry, sir, nose-painting, sleep, and urine. Lechery, sir,  
it provokes and unprovokes; it provokes the desire" The mocking demeanor had left Chris, instead  
he was looking at Toby with those fucking intense eyes. Like a cobra. If you looked into  
his eyes for too long you would be rendered unable to move. 

Only now he realised, that Chris had stopped talking. He was just looking at him. Looking  
at him with such longing in his eyes. Toby felt it all through his body. He couldn't take looking at  
him any longer. He lowered his gaze, "You're line's not finished. Get it on.", he ordered Chris with  
a harsh voice. What had he been thinking trying to work with Chris. It wasn't like Chris would be  
able to act reasonable. Hell, it wasn't like he'd ever been able to act reasonable around Chris.

Chris just gave him a strange look for a moment, then he made a fast move towards him  
grabbing his face, pressing his lips to Toby's.

For a second Toby was just stunned, then he pushed Chris back, angrily.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?!", Toby wiped his mouth with his hand.

"Toby, I'm going crazy, like this. You gotta forgive me!"

"You, you you! It's always about you! You don't even realise, that you took my life from me!  
Knowing damn well how much they mean to me!! Damn! I should have run from you as fast  
as I could, the moment Catherine refused to plead your case any longer.", Toby shook his head,  
showing contempt as much for himself as for Chris, "But not stupid, old me. I had to believe  
that there was something good left inside of you!"

***********************

They were alone in the library. Chris walking around, looking at books in the shelves randomly  
and Toby sitting there pretending to read.  
Toby couldn't resist the temptation. He walked over to Chris, casually leaning against the shelve  
beside him.

"You know, Chris. Doesn't it strike you odd, that you were able to lie to me that easily. You  
always say how much you love me..but in the end you played me like any other mark. Again!"

"I love you!", Chris said it urgently, petulantly like a stubborn child. Like saying it again and again,  
would change Toby's feelings, like a spell.

"You love me?", Toby snorted, "You only take and take and take. In all this, did you ever for a  
second think about me?! About my feelings?"

"I killed Winthrup for you!"

The way Chris still seemed to think his actions had been perfectly justified, made Toby's blood  
boil.

"Yeah, great! Did I ever ask you for it?! You fuck up everything around me!"

Chris face became hard within a second, his mouth turning into a mocking sneer.  
"Yeah, right. Don't fool yourself, your fathers death is all on you. You fucked your life up all  
by yourself. Didn't need any help."

Toby smiled at him bitterly, nodding.  
"That's right. Show your true feelings. You care about no one but yourself. You give a damn  
about my feelings. But you know what? I'm not your prag! I don't cater to your needs! And I  
had enough of starring in the Chris Keller Show."

"I can't live without you!", it sounded both angry and desperate, like Toby was the one that understand.

"Wow. Very passionate, very touching. You haven't lost your touch. Though I should have known  
better, I didn't see it coming until it hit me in the face."

"Toby...", again Chris' face had taken that pleading look.

Toby only gave him a lopsided smile, shaking his head.  
"There won't be a third time."

***********************

~Sinful Macduff,  
They were all struck for thee. naught that I am,  
Not for their own demerits, but for mine,  
Fell slaughter on their souls: heaven rest them now.~

Funny, how good it fit him. What blood would follow?  
His own?  
Schillinger's?  
Chris'? - No. Never his. Toby had thought once that he'd be capable of it. He was wiser now.

************************

He could be out again. He could be with his daughter. All he had to do was betray Chris. It  
shouldn't be asked too much, after all the ways Chris had betrayed him.

But send him back to deathrow?

He remembered Chris' words after the murder of Shemin.  
"But I think you love me too much to let that happen."  
Did he? Did he still?  
Yes. Shame on him. Love was nothing but a weakness. A weakness that stopped you from  
getting what you want.

************************

What good did it do him loving Toby? Everything had been easier if he'd just played the con to  
it's end and sticked in Schillinger's good graces afterwards.  
If he'd never let Toby in his life. If he'd never learned how deep beyond anything physical a  
person can hurt another.  
They had done plenty of that, hadn't they? Hurting each other.

~Better should have left me on deathrow then, shouldn't you, Toby?~

*************************

"Hey, baby girl.", Toby greeted Holly, who immediately clung to him like a little monkey.

"Daddy!" 

She had taken it hard, him getting sent back here. Trying to salvage his relationship with Harry  
was nearly beyond hope by now. To Harry he was a stranger and his mom had stopped bringing  
him for visitation, because it always distressed him.  
But Holly, she was his anchor, keeping him sane, giving him the feeling that his old life was not  
completely lost. His precious little girl. What she had suffered because of him, he would never  
be able to make up to her in all his life.

"Toby.", his mom called him to the side, leaving Holly to play by herself, "That Agent of the FBI  
called. He told me there was a possibility for you being granted another chance for parole,  
immediately. He told me you refused." Again, all those accusations in her voice. All the  
dissappointment, the incomprehension. She looked at him the same way she had when he'd  
told them that Chris was his lover, back then. And though by now, he knew they all had been  
perfectly right with everything they'd said about Chris, he still felt the urge to defend him in  
front of her.

"You don't have to tell me, mother. I'm considering it."

"What's there to consider? Don't you think your children deserve it that you do anything in your  
power, to be part of their life again?!"

"Yes, I do. You are right.", he answered deflated and resigned.

*************************

And yet again Chris walked in on him, while he was rehearsing. This time at least Fitzgerald was  
with him. They did the part after Duncan was murdered, with Chris playing the part of Macbeth. It  
went along quite smoothly. Chris kept his bullshitting down and didn't distract Toby any more  
than he already did anyway.

"O, yet I do repent me of my fury,  
That I did kill them.", Chris voice had lost all of the slightly mocking attitude that had accompanied  
all of his acting so far. It sounded more clear, like he was talking just to him, in their pod at night.

And suddenly it was as if they were talking back in their pod, that wasn't theirs any longer. As if  
they weren't here playing roles, but as if they were talking about something very different. As if  
they were talking about Shemin or Brown or Barlog. Or Winthrup. And not just that. His eyes  
were pleading stubbornly for forgiveness, leveraging his hold over whatever of Toby's feelings was left.  
Admitting his guilt for the first time, but asking to be forgiven all the same.  
For everything he had done, especially this last worst betrayal.

There was real curiosity in Toby's voice when he asked.

"Wherefore did you so?"

Chris voice was electrified with emotion. Every fiber of his body, seemed to cry out that he was  
sincere. That he regretted and wanted so desperately to be forgiven.  
But who knew, Chris had fooled him often enough. Looking sincere was childsplay to him.

"Who can be wise, amaz'd, temperate, and furious,  
Loyal and neutral, in a moment? No man:  
The expedition of my violent love  
Outrun the pauser reason.", then he just paused and looked at Toby. And they were both caught  
again in the net they seemed to be constantly spinning around each other. 'violent love', Toby  
could not think of a more fitting word ever used for Chris' love. Chris wasn't the only one who'd  
outrun reason, again and again. Who could resist that sweet temptation? To just fall into the abyss  
their feelings offered. Acting like they were the only beings that existed in the world. The only ones  
that mattered. Who would deny him feeling that again?  
Who, who ever felt this, could?

Chris broke the silence that had settled around them.

"Who could refrain,  
That had a heart to love,  
and in that heart  
Courage to make's love known?"

Yes, love was always an excuse for Chris. An excuse to hurt, to kill, to lie. But what would it make  
him if he took him back now? If he chose him over his children.

"That wasn't your line, Chris.", Toby said in a neutral voice.

No, this would never happen. They would never happen again. He would eventually get over him.  
In a year he would be out again. And then he would never see him again. Ever.

Chris just stared at him with those incredibly sad eyes, and maybe a hint of disappointment.  
Then he jumped off the stage and walked out.  
Toby watched him disappear, still watching when Chris had long been out the door. Then his  
attention fell onto Fitzgerald again. She looked as if she wasn't really sure what just had happened  
in front of her.

"Maybe we finish rehearsal for today.", she said with some kind of inner understanding in her eyes,  
which could only come from having hurt like this before, herself.

*************************

"So you've finally decided to do the right thing.", Taylor greeted him.

"You know I'm against the death-penalty."

"That's between you and your conscience. All I am interested in, is your testimony."

"But that's exactly the point, Agent Taylor. It's on my conscience. Is there a possibility to leave  
out the death-penalty?"

"No."

"If I make the testimony, I'm condemning another human being to death."

"What about the four men he abhorrently killed? Don't they deserve justice? Didn't they have a  
right to live? Just because you've got a relationship with Keller and you didn't know his victims  
personally, you consider their lives less than his.", Agent Taylor moved closer, going in for the  
kill, "And after what he did to you, you should be well aware of his true nature."

They paused for at least a minute, just staring at each other. Toby looked away first.

"I would get an official signed document, with all the details of our agreement?"

"Naturally."

"Alright, what is it you need me to do?"

*************************

"I have just told them everything they wanted to know about you murdering those guys.", Toby's  
grin was menacing, daring him, "I'll be out of here within a week. Then it's goodbye to you for  
ever, you miserable fuck!"

"A lot of wasted work getting me off deathrow then, I would say.", Chris answered like it didn't  
concern him in any way.  
Toby didn't even give him another glance and walked off.

Chris felt shaken. Had Toby really done it. He would have every reason and every justification to  
do so. Yet he hadn't expected it. There had still been this little hope in him, that maybe, maybe  
Toby would get over it. That maybe they would get back together.

But they were through.

**************************

Why couldn't he loose his feelings for Toby like a cold. Spending some nights shivering and with  
a fever, sweating out all that poison disguised as love. And then waking up in the morning.  
Whole again.  
But it wasn't that easy. It wasn't like he hadn't tried hard enough. Sure, he felt sick enough at  
times, but the problem was it was never over. There was no sweating this out, no bleeding this  
out. There was not enough hate or anger to drown this love.  
But he would get around. He would survive. Like he always did, he would make do.

**************************

He didn't know why he'd told Chris. Some kind of self-destructive, masochistic impulse. Or  
maybe he'd just wanted to push Chris to the limits of their love.  
Was this it? Would Chris now come after him.  
It didn't scare Toby, it only filled him with mild curiosity.  
Love could do that to you. Once gone bad it left you numb. Indifferent to everything around.

**************************

"Hey, I've heard you've taken the Malcom part.", Toby said to Ryan when he entered the  
cafeteria on his way to rehearsal. They hadn't seen much of each other lately, with Ryan being closer to Chris than he'd been to him.

"Yeah, my mom forced me. She thinks it'll be good for me. Distracting me and stuff."

"Alright guys!", Fitzgerald called them together, "We start with Macduff and Malcom after they  
got the knews of Macduff's families murder."

All the actors and helpers were present. As always Chris had taken his ominous part in the prop  
team as a reason to attend too. He was looking at him again, with this fucking intense predator  
stare, that made you feel like you were the only one in the room.  
Toby and Ryan were the only ones on the stage now. Fitzgerald was looking up at them expectantly.  
When they didn't start she prompted.

"It starts with: 'Be comforted:  
Let's make us medicines of our great revenge,  
To cure this deadly grief.'"

"He has no children."  
Right. The morbid thought hit Toby. Schillinger really hadn't children any longer due to him.  
"--All my pretty ones?  
Did you say all?--O hell-kite!--All?  
What, all my pretty chickens and their dam  
At one fell swoop?", Toby continued. The parallels to his life were scary.

"Dispute it like a man.", Ryan had remembered his lines again.

"I shall do so;  
But I must also feel it as a man:  
I cannot but remember such things were,  
That were most precious to me.--Did heaven look on,  
And would not take their part? Sinful Macduff,  
They were all struck for thee! naught that I am,  
Not for their own demerits, but for mine,  
Fell slaughter on their souls: heaven rest them now!" He hoped indeed that their souls were resting now. Not lingering full of anger and bitterness at him.

"Be this the whetstone of your sword. Let grief  
Convert to anger; blunt not the heart, enrage it."

"O, I could play the woman with mine eye,  
And braggart with my tongue!--But, gentle heavens,  
Cut short all intermission; front to front" The time for crying was over. Whether over Chris or  
his family. From now on he would let actions speak. If he truly wanted to make it up to his  
children, he would never again put anything over their wellbeing. Love was expendable. His  
children weren't. 

"Bring thou this fiend of Scotland and myself;  
Within my sword's length set him; if he 'scape,  
Heaven forgive him too!", compulsively his eyes fell on Schillinger when he spoke his line.  
Their eyes met. There could be no peace between them. They both felt it.

Suddenly Fitzgerald started clapping.  
"Amazing! Amazing! So intense.", she came onto the stage towards him, "I've never seen the  
Macduff played with such empathy.", she gleamed at him, "It's like you're really completely in  
the role when you get on stage. You convey the emotions so realistically with your whole body.  
The murderous glare you gave Macbeth right now, amazing.", she gave him a hug. She obviously  
hadn't read their files or talked to Sister Pete.

**************************

Schillinger sat down beside Chris in the library.

"I want Beecher dead. You got a problem with that?"

"Not at all. Actually it's perfect timing."

"Alright, I'll take care of it."

"No, I'll do it."

"You?"

"Before I whack him, I just wanna fuck him in the ass one more time."

****************************

What was it about Chris? Why could he still feel like this about him. What was it burning inside  
him, turning his insides to cinder. All he wanted was to touch him. When all he should want to  
do was to fuck him over royally.  
Shit, what had they started back then, with that almost innocent kiss, already speaking of  
everything their relationship would contain.

Love. Hurt. Love. Betrayal. Love. Blindness. Captivation. Love. Hurt. Wonder. Pain. Anger. Hurt.  
Regret. Irrevocability. Hurt. Love. Love. Love. Lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove

Sparks were still flying between their locked gazes, whenever they set eyes on each other.  
There was no way to deny it, or even whitewash it. The anger flared up again whenever he'd  
just seen his children and remembered that he could have been with them now if it hadn't been  
for Chris. But most of the time the lack he felt came from not being able to be with Chris. So  
close, so damn close. All it would have taken would have been one word from him one gesture, to give Chris permission.  
But now it was all over. But it didn't feel like it. Why the fuck felt trying to mess with each other  
still so close to courting? Could there never be some kind of defined line between their emotions  
for each other? Could it feel just once sane?  
After all why was he still even thinking about 'them'. What could be between them now. Even Chris wouldn't be that blinded by love, that his sense of self-preservation wouldn't kick in. And he? He had recklessly, unnecessarily endangered his life, just because he couldn't let Chris be. Just because he needed to push a little more. Had this been some insane test of Chris' love? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe something entirely else.

****************************

Again they were alone in the library. Toby wondered how Chris did it. Some strange sixth sense,  
for chances to get Toby in deep shit.  
Toby couldn't help the apprehension he felt as well as the tension. He forced himself to stay seated  
and not jump up and move away from Chris the first chance he got.  
It made him feel incredibly sad, that it had come this far between the two of them. That he  
was feeling scared of Chris now.  
Chris still circled the room, like the predator he was, stalking his prey.

"So twitchy, Tobe. I'm not making you nervous, am I?"

"Fuck you.", maybe the point where he couldn't think of anything more constructive to say, should  
have been the point to stop talking entirely. But having nothing but spiteful words to say, had  
never stopped them from talking before.

Chris suddenly moved towards him, slamming both hands onto the table in front of Toby.  
Toby jumped and got off his chair moving back towards the wall. His eyes shot to the door  
estimating the distance.

"You think you can reach the door, before I can get to you?", Chris asked, grinning from ear to  
ear. "Let's try it!"

Before Toby had even gotten close to the door Chris had reached him, slamming him against  
one of the shelves. Books were cascading to the floor. Toby kicked at Chris, but Chris' hand shot  
up closing around Toby's throat.

"Play nice, Tobe."

Toby swallowed, his eyes clenching shut, involuntarily. Damn at some point the librarian had to  
come back, or a hack.

"Chris...listen.."

Before he could finish his sentence, Chris' lips clashed with his. Chris using his confusion to enter  
his mouth with his tongue, deepening the kiss, the hand still tightly wrapped around his throat.  
It was unsettling how even under this circumstances, his touch could still feel, this fucking much  
the same, as it always had. How it could still feel this fucking close. Soft lips brushing over his.  
The touch still so insistent, so confident. Still owning him.  
Toby's eyes fluttered open again, meeting Chris'.  
The hand loosened around his throat, moving away. Chris took a step back, giving him some  
space. Toby's hand moved up unconsciously, rubbing the bruised skin.

Chris shot him one of those enigmatic, self-deprecating smiles.  
"Just wanted to see if I can still get a reaction out of you."

Toby was still standing there frozen in place, when the librarian finally came back, his fingers  
softly brushing over his lips, still feeling Chris' touch.

****************************

"You know word has gone round that you sold Chris out to the FBI.", Ryan mentioned in a  
by-the-way-like fashion when they were walking to rehearsal.

"So what if I did?", he looked at Ryan challengingly.  
"No skin of my nose. But you should be careful.”

Before they could elaborate on the matter, the rehearsal started, with his and Ryan's part.  
Somewhere through their scene, though the part was about Macbeth, Toby thought they might just as well  
have been talking about his and Chris' relationship.

"What you have spoke, it may be so perchance.  
This tyrant, whose sole name blisters our tongues,  
Was once thought honest: you have loved him well;"

It was a damn long time ago that Chris was thought to be honest.  
But he wasn't sure about the loving part.

"He hath not touch'd you yet. I am young; but something  
You may deserve of him through me; and wisdom  
To offer up a weak, poor, innocent lamb  
To appease an angry god."

Yes, Chris hadn't yet made his move against him. But it could only be a matter of time.  
He had been stupid, when he had told this lie to Chris. But he'd been so angry. Actually  
he'd hoped to see something like fear on Chris' face.  
He had taken his children from him. So he had wanted him to know how it feels like to  
have something important taken from you by someone you'd trusted.

"I am not treacherous."

Indeed, he couldn't have done this to Chris. Even after all he'd done. He hadn't considered it  
for even a moment. There was the point were a line was crossed. And sending someone you  
loved to deathrow was definitely crossing a line.  
'someone he loved'? Yes, that was right. Again Toby had learned that anger and hate and love  
didn't exclude each other.

****************************

Toby was a bit surprised about this sudden rehearsal, but probably Fitzgerald wanted to make  
up the leeway from all the not exactly regular meetings they had had before.

"Hello?"

The prop room was dark and seemed to be empty. Then he saw Chris standing there, playing  
around with some props.

"Suzanne told me to tell you to wait for her here. The third witch or something got shanked, so  
I'm the replacement.", he turned back to the props, and picked up a prop-shank, "I love props.  
What looks real isn't. Like this shank.", he stabbed his head with it, "Ahh! See that? It's fake." he  
laughed in that kinda maniacally way of his, "At least  
I know I got your attention now, though."

"I'm trying to learn my lines.", Toby was on edge. was this it? After all these fucking disconcerting  
games. That had left him none the wiser. Was this the moment Chris had  
picked to whack him? He knew Chris would do it sooner or later, since he had told him he had  
selled him out. What other outcome could there be?  
As always Chris liked to play with the prey a little, before he went in for the kill.  
Chris walked closer towards him, stopping right in front of where he was reading.

"«He speaks and yet says nothing. What of that?»", Chris shot him another enigmatic grin.  
What was that supposed to mean?

"Shut up.", he dismissed Chris, trying to play it cool.

Damn, Toby wouldn't even look at him. Toby had sold him off, and still he couldn't let go. He  
was clinging to him with such desperation. Soon he would be on deathrow again. Couldn't Toby  
even look at him now? When it was maybe one of the last chances they would get. Damn, he  
was so pathetic. Anyone else in this situation he would have already whacked, without a second  
thought, but not Toby. Never Toby.  
But he would make him look at him!

"Oh, okay. You know, I've always thought actions speak louder then  
words anyway. And now, this one's real!", Chris pulled out another shank and rammed it into  
the top of one of the tables in the room.

He hadn't anticipated Toby's reaction. But how was he supposed when they were basically talking  
past each other, all the time now.  
None of them understanding or anticipating the motives of the other.

Toby moved closer to Chris so fast and unexpected that it stopped Chris in track for a moment.  
He didn't even see what Toby had picked up until it hit him over the head.

******************************

"Time to wake up, Chris."

Chris felt a slap on his face. He realised he was tied to a chair. Toby was looming in front of him.

"You fucking cocksucker!", Chris exclaimed, incredulously.

"You're one to talk, you fucking asshole.", Toby hit him in the face hard.

Fuck, Toby had a mean right hook. Chris spit blood. Toby continued ranting.

"You fuck up my parole! You fuck up my life!", he punched him again. "And now you thought  
you could kill me? Just like that?", Toby suddenly came close, straddling him, coming close to  
his face, sneering.

Chris looked genuinely abashed.

"What the fuck are you talking about?!", Chris struggled against his ties.

"Oh come on, Keller. I sold you off to the FBI. You want me dead. Don't think me a bigger fool  
than I've already proven myself to be.", he picked up the two shanks Chris had played around  
with earlier, "With this you wanted to stab me, right? Fake...Real. Or did I get them mixed up?  
Let's see.", he stabbed Chris.

Fuck. For a second Chris had thought Toby was really going to do it. He wasn't sure any longer  
what Toby would do or wouldn't do. Shit, he had thought it was all about them breaking up, the  
whole parole thing. He hadn't calculated that Toby would really think he would try to harm him.  
Toby couldn't be that stupid.

"Toby...Schillinger wants you dead. That's no  
secret, right? I told him that I would do it. Ask me why."

"Oh, Chris. You're so obvious. I know that you took sides with Schillinger to fuck him over in some  
way. So you could get back in my good graces. Came in handy, right? Now that you really have  
to kill me."

"Are you stupid?"

The incredulous look on Chris' face, made Toby feel actually offended for a moment. Chris  
obviously was an even better actor than he'd given him credit. Maybe all those rehearsing sessions  
they had had.  
Toby just crossed his arms and gave Chris a stern stare. Chris looked exasperated by now.

"Alright", he took a deep breath, "I sided with Schillinger to keep you alive. That's right.  
I've been pretending to be Schillinger's butt buddy to keep you safe, so that you and I would  
know of his plans.", he shot Toby his hopefully most sincere look, "That hasn't changed. You can't  
really believe that I would try to harm you?!" One look at Toby's face told him differently. Chris  
gave a deep sigh. "But I should have known how...bullheaded you are. I should have known that  
you wouldn't believe me.", he paused again, contemplating how to convince Toby. But how do you  
make someone believe you, who doesn't trust you any longer anyway? "Now, if I really wanted  
you dead, Toby, you'd be dead already." You remind him of your worst sides. "But instead...all  
I really want...is for you to love me again."

Toby swallowed. Only now he realised that he was still sitting on top of Chris and how awkward  
this position was, given the circumstances. Far too intimate.  
Shit. Somehow what Chris said made sense. In the Chris-Universe, from his perspective...it made  
sense. Chris was the physical superior by far and had demonstrated often enough that he lacked  
neither the imagination, the means or the eagerness to take someone out.  
If he hadn't wanted to do it himself, he could have just as well paid someone.  
It had been two fucking weeks since he'd told Chris. In OZ you could have someone dead within  
two hours if you wanted to.

Chris saw something shift in Toby's expression. Thank god, he believed him. He tried to lean  
closer to Toby. But Toby shot him a haunted look and got up moving away from him.

"Fuck.", Toby mumbled still shocked, one hand pressed over his mouth.

"You believe me, right?"

"Fuuuck.", Toby moved behind him and untied his hands. Chris got up immediately and moved  
towards Toby, who shied away again, bristling like a caged tiger.  
His face had moved from shocked to unbelieving and guilty.

"Toby, it's okay. I mean it's OZ. At least this time you didn't think I tried to kill your child.", he  
tried to joke. Guilt wasn't what he wanted but it was better than anger. With guilt he could work.

"I..", Toby started.

"What the fuck is going on here?", Fitzgerald burst into the room.

"Just a little harmless fun between two consenting adults.", Chris shot her a grin.

Toby was out of the room before either of them could say even one word to him.

*************************

"Tomorrow's the big show. What do you say, one more practice?", Chris smiled at him in that little-boy-charm way of his.

"Yeah, why not."

"O'Reily didn't come to practice today. So we couldn't rehearse that part...Alright, Malcom and  
Macduff are talking about Malcom's qualities as future king. Do you feel up to it?"

"Sure.", Chris shrugged.

"You start."

"Okay...When I shall tread upon the tyrant's head,  
Or wear it on my sword, yet my poor country  
Shall have more vices than it had before;  
More suffer, and more sundry ways than ever,  
By him that shall succeed."

"What should he be?"

"It is myself I mean: in whom I know  
All the particulars of vice so grafted  
That, when they shall be open'd, black Macbeth  
Will seem as pure as snow; and the poor state  
Esteem him as a lamb, being compar'd  
With my confineless harms."

"Not in the legions  
Of horrid hell can come a devil more damn'd  
In evils to top Macbeth."

The role was fitting indeed, even hell couldn't spit out anything more evil than Schillinger.

"I grant him bloody,  
Luxurious, avaricious, false, deceitful,  
Sudden, malicious, smacking of every sin  
That has a name: but there's no bottom, none,  
to my desire. All continent impediments it would o'erbear,  
That did oppose my will: better Macbeth  
Than such an one to reign."

And hadn't he already proven that, Chris thought to himself. Impediments like Toby's freedom  
had fallen victim, to his desire. 

"Boundless intemperance and love  
that smothers and destroys everything around it  
is a tyranny;  
It hath been the untimely fall of many kings.  
But fear not yet  
To take upon you what is yours."

Chris was surprised by Toby's reaction. He had expected him to just go over Chris change of line.  
Or tell him off angrily, like the last times. But Toby was playing the game along.  
Was there hope or was Toby just toying with him?  
He'd seen a lot of sides on Toby he hadn't known about, those last weeks. Toby had proven to be even  
tougher than he'd already known. And a lot more unforgiving than he had hoped.  
Maybe he'd used up his share of forgiveness.  
But he hadn't been the only one in love. Toby had loved him too. They had done a lot of things  
to each other and managed to be in love at the same time and still afterwards.

"But I have none: the king-becoming graces,  
As justice, verity, temperance, stableness,  
Bounty, perseverance, mercy, lowliness,  
Devotion, patience, courage, fortitude,  
I have no relish of them; but abound  
In the division of each several crime,  
Acting it many ways. Nay, had I power, I should  
uproar the universal peace, confound  
All unity on earth."

At some times they had hurt each other, just to know they could still make the other feel. That  
they could still make an impact on the others life.  
Like when Toby had been on parole. He had felt so helpless. Toby had been slipping away. He  
hadn't had any way of mattering any longer. Not from in here.

Toby's voice ripped him out of his thoughts.  
"I think you're overestimating you're impact a little. 'Uproar the universal peace'?"

A surprised laugh erupted from Chris, at this.

"But you sure destroyed my peace. Yet you won't kill me.", Toby was circling Chris with a both  
puzzled and wary look on his face, that made Chris feel uneasy.

"And you claim to love me", Toby laughed harshly, "And even worse I believe you.", he stopped  
in front of him. Chris nearly flinched at the unexpected touch, when Toby took his face into his  
hands. Looking him in the eyes, searching. For what? For honesty? For remorse? For whatever  
it had been Toby had loved about him?

"You betrayed me, Chris. And sometimes I think I shouldn't be surprised, because that's just  
what you are. I knew what you were capable of. But I didn't think you would turn it against me,  
never again.", he paused, "Answer me this, okay? I want you to be honest, okay? Did you  
purposely fuck up my parole?"

"Toby, I couldn't face the rest of my life living in here without you."

"But I will be out of here without you."

Chris laughed, "Yes that's right and I'll be on deathrow."

"Chris, I.."

"I know, you lied. Don't look so shocked. I had a talk with Taylor today, and he didn't know  
anything about a deal. Turns out we're both great liars."

Toby smiled sadly.

"You know Chris, I loved alcohol. I loved heroin. I had to put them behind  
me because they were poison. Death. I have to let go of you too."

Toby took a labored breath.

"But I can't."

Before Chris had even processed Toby's words, Toby's lips crashed onto his.

"I can't", Toby exclaimed again, like it was causing him physical pain.

He let go of Chris again.

"And I don't want to spend the rest of my life regretting that I denied myself this, because it  
was the sensible thing to do. And as surely as I knew that I couldn't sell you out to the FBI, I know  
that I will regret it if I walk away from you now and never turn back."

*************************

"What are you doing here?", Toby asked surprised when he saw Chris inside his pod in Em City.

"I asked Querns to transfer me back. I guess he convinced McManus. Even made us  
roomies.", Chris grinned at him victoriously.

"I get no say in this?", Toby asked, but a smile was tugging at his lips.

"Uh-uh.", Chris affirmed, moving closer to Toby, nuzzling the crook of his neck. And for the first  
time in so many weeks, Toby didn't pull away from his touch.

"I love you.", Chris' voice came out clogged and desperate, closer to a sob, "I love you."

Toby sighed, thumb rubbing over Chris' cheek, "I know.", he wrapped his arm around Chris'  
neck and kissed the top of Chris head, "I know".

 

All of Em City watched their reunification, both hacks and inmates. Stopping whatever they'd  
been doing. The cards and the TV were left abandoned.  
Some watching with disdain, some with incomprehension, some with amazement. But  
nevermind what their precise attitude towards it might have been, they all felt a sense of  
reassurance, when this one constant of their life here, fell back in place.

"Surprise, surprise.", Ryan said to no one in particular, shaking his head amused.

"Maybe now, we'll have some peace of mind again.", McManus said warily when Murphy told  
him the news.

Sister Pete just smiled when she walked back from the kitchen, where she'd heard the news  
while making tea. Work seemed to flow more easily now and she started humming.

*************************

Toby didn't know what it was about Chris, that made him unable to let go. What exactly it had  
been that had let them clash, leaving them entwined around each other, no longer able to tell  
where one started and the other ended.  
It made him weak, but it didn't matter, because it was just the same for Chris.

*************************

"That way the noise is.--Tyrant, show thy face!  
If thou be'st slain and with no stroke of mine,  
My wife and children's ghosts will haunt me still.  
I cannot strike at wretched kerns, whose arms  
Are hired to bear their staves; either thou, Macbeth,  
Or else my sword, with an unbatter'd edge,  
I sheathe again undeeded. There thou shouldst be;  
By this great clatter, one of greatest note  
Seems bruited. Let me find him, fortune!  
And more I beg not."

Toby spoke those words with all the hate, disdain and exhaustion he felt inside towards  
Schillinger and the whole war that had been going on between them for far too long.

Both inmates and CO's were watching the performance captivated. Finally, the big showdown between the most notorious enemies in the history of OZ.

"Of all men else I have avoided thee:  
But get thee back; my soul is too much charg'd  
With blood of thine already."

Schillinger seemed to feel uncomfortable when saying those words. Like he was admitting his  
sins. He returned Toby's stare with the same sentiment behind it.  
Yet, Toby thought how much their relationship/enemyship had changed over the years.  
Today they were meeting on eyelevel.

"I have no words,--  
My voice is in my sword: thou bloodier villain  
Than terms can give thee out!"

They moved towards each other, their weapons clashing together at the same time their bodies  
did. After some struggling, Toby finally rammed the shank in Schillinger's heart.  
He was breathing hard when he knelt over Schillinger's fallen body.

The lights went back on and a roaring applause started. Toby and Schillinger both got up and  
stood at the front of the stage together, with the other actors, receiving their applause.

His and Schillinger's eyes met. They smiled at each other with bitterness and contempt.  
There would never be peace between them and they both knew it.

************************

"So what do we do now?", Chris asked back at their pod, his forehead resting against Toby's.

"I don't know. I guess we just see what's gonna happen and then we deal with it.", Toby answered  
smiling at Chris, one hand caressing Chris' cheek.

"So what kinds of 'gonna happen' are off-limits to me?", Chris asked cheekily.

"Chris. What are you scheming this time?", Toby asked, trying really hard for a reprimanding  
tone.

*******************************************************  
*******************************************************  
End Notes:  
*******************************************************

For everyone that wants to know what part of the lines from Macbeth I changed, here are the real parts (taken from http://www.gutenberg.org/):

 

MALCOLM.  
Be comforted:  
Let's make us medicines of our great revenge,  
To cure this deadly grief.

MACDUFF.  
He has no children.--All my pretty ones?  
Did you say all?--O hell-kite!--All?  
What, all my pretty chickens and their dam  
At one fell swoop?

MALCOLM.  
Dispute it like a man.

MACDUFF.  
I shall do so;  
But I must also feel it as a man:  
I cannot but remember such things were,  
That were most precious to me.--Did heaven look on,  
And would not take their part? Sinful Macduff,  
They were all struck for thee! naught that I am,  
Not for their own demerits, but for mine,  
Fell slaughter on their souls: heaven rest them now!

MALCOLM.  
Be this the whetstone of your sword. Let grief  
Convert to anger; blunt not the heart, enrage it.

MACDUFF.  
O, I could play the woman with mine eye,  
And braggart with my tongue!--But, gentle heavens,  
Cut short all intermission; front to front  
Bring thou this fiend of Scotland and myself;  
Within my sword's length set him; if he 'scape,  
Heaven forgive him too!

###################

MACDUFF.  
That way the noise is.--Tyrant, show thy face!  
If thou be'st slain and with no stroke of mine,  
My wife and children's ghosts will haunt me still.  
I cannot strike at wretched kerns, whose arms  
Are hired to bear their staves; either thou, Macbeth,  
Or else my sword, with an unbatter'd edge,  
I sheathe again undeeded. There thou shouldst be;  
By this great clatter, one of greatest note  
Seems bruited. Let me find him, fortune!  
And more I beg not.

##################

MACBETH.  
Of all men else I have avoided thee:  
But get thee back; my soul is too much charg'd  
With blood of thine already.

MACDUFF.  
I have no words,--  
My voice is in my sword: thou bloodier villain  
Than terms can give thee out!

###############

PORTER.  
Faith, sir, we were carousing till the second cock: and  
drink, sir, is a great provoker of three things.

MACDUFF.  
What three things does drink especially provoke?

PORTER.  
Marry, sir, nose-painting, sleep, and urine. Lechery, sir,  
it provokes and unprovokes; it provokes the desire, but it  
takes away the performance: therefore much drink may be said to  
be an equivocator with lechery: it makes him, and it mars him; it  
sets him on, and it takes him off; it persuades him, and  
disheartens him; makes him stand to, and not stand to: in  
conclusion, equivocates him in a sleep, and giving him the lie,  
leaves him.

#############

MACBETH.  
O, yet I do repent me of my fury,  
That I did kill them.

MACDUFF.  
Wherefore did you so?

MACBETH.  
Who can be wise, amaz'd, temperate, and furious,  
Loyal and neutral, in a moment? No man:  
The expedition of my violent love  
Outrun the pauser reason. Here lay Duncan,  
His silver skin lac'd with his golden blood;  
And his gash'd stabs look'd like a breach in nature  
For ruin's wasteful entrance: there, the murderers,  
Steep'd in the colours of their trade, their daggers  
Unmannerly breech'd with gore: who could refrain,  
That had a heart to love, and in that heart  
Courage to make's love known?

##################

MALCOLM.  
What I believe, I'll wail;  
What know, believe; and what I can redress,  
As I shall find the time to friend, I will.  
What you have spoke, it may be so perchance.  
This tyrant, whose sole name blisters our tongues,  
Was once thought honest: you have loved him well;  
He hath not touch'd you yet. I am young; but something  
You may deserve of him through me; and wisdom  
To offer up a weak, poor, innocent lamb  
To appease an angry god.

MACDUFF.  
I am not treacherous.

################

MALCOLM.  
When I shall tread upon the tyrant's head,  
Or wear it on my sword, yet my poor country  
Shall have more vices than it had before;  
More suffer, and more sundry ways than ever,  
By him that shall succeed.

MACDUFF.  
What should he be?

MALCOLM.  
It is myself I mean: in whom I know  
All the particulars of vice so grafted  
That, when they shall be open'd, black Macbeth  
Will seem as pure as snow; and the poor state  
Esteem him as a lamb, being compar'd  
With my confineless harms.

MACDUFF.  
Not in the legions  
Of horrid hell can come a devil more damn'd  
In evils to top Macbeth.

MALCOLM.  
I grant him bloody,  
Luxurious, avaricious, false, deceitful,  
Sudden, malicious, smacking of every sin  
That has a name: but there's no bottom, none,  
In my voluptuousness: your wives, your daughters,  
Your matrons, and your maids, could not fill up  
The cistern of my lust; and my desire  
All continent impediments would o'erbear,  
That did oppose my will: better Macbeth  
Than such an one to reign.

MACDUFF.  
Boundless intemperance  
In nature is a tyranny; it hath been  
The untimely emptying of the happy throne,  
And fall of many kings. But fear not yet  
To take upon you what is yours.

MALCOLM.  
But I have none: the king-becoming graces,  
As justice, verity, temperance, stableness,  
Bounty, perseverance, mercy, lowliness,  
Devotion, patience, courage, fortitude,  
I have no relish of them; but abound  
In the division of each several crime,  
Acting it many ways. Nay, had I power, I should  
Pour the sweet milk of concord into hell,  
Uproar the universal peace, confound  
All unity on earth.


End file.
